That will be sonny then , 

Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England , there is a parking lot.
It has parking bays for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses.

It has been  manned by a very pleasant attendant complete with a ticket machine for the past twenty five years.
He charged cars £1 and coaches £5 to park.

Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.

"Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "we'd better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant . .. . "

"Err . . . No", said the Council, "that parking lot is your responsibility."

"Err . . . No", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?"

"Err . . . No!" insisted the Council.

Now sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain (presumably), is a man who had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at £400 per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over £3.6 million (or £280,000 every year for 25 years)!

And the best part is that no one even knows his name. !!! 

A well planned and executed retirement. 

Yesterday I was at my local CO-OP in Mid Calder buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an  a fecking elephant? So, since l was bored and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from the Co-op.

2 Scot's on holiday in Rome, doing the norm, checking this and that, having a few drink'

Both are wearing Celtic top's and decide to visit the Vatican to see if the Pope was in.

There was loads of peoploe there as the Pope was giving them all a prayer and so on, then he got up and came down to visit the crowd.

The 2 guy's were saying, "With these top's on, he will see them and definatly come and say a few words, you watch"

But to their amazement he went over to a guy in a Rangers top and whispered in his ear. The 2 guy's were well pissed off with that saying, "What, here's us good Catholic guy's in our Celtic top's, the the big 'yen didn't even bother"

So the next day they decided to see if the Pope would come to say a few words to them, one of the guy's put on a Rangers top.

'Lo and behold after the prayers, the Pope came down, and he started to walk over to them, the guy's were so excited.

The Pope came up to them and bent over to the guy with the Rangers top and whispered......

"Look I thought l told you to FUCK OFF yesterday"

At present in the cottage that we are renting in The Scottish borders. Effing freezing, tight wads will not put the heating on.........wait till they want feedback     C ya   

"God did NOT create the Universe", says Steven Hawking.
To which God replied, ......"enjoy the chair".

It's sad when you think about it, Stephen Hawking is the closest thing we have to the Terminator.

When will Suzie from the Gadget Show test new vibrators?

A shy girl who I met on Facebook last week has finally agreed to let me take her out on a date.
I can't wait, I'm meeting her on MSN at 7pm.

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says, "Fuck Off you won't bring it back".

Statistically 9/11 Americans won't get this.

and...

Disabled Toilets.
Ironically the toilets big enough to run around in.

About 'kin time Spike  . . welcome to the site!  always a good place to offoad any non-pc emotions you may build up during your working day  . .

your old friend 

All sappers know what its like to be cold and piss wet through. But what was your coldest. Mine was - 17 Degrees below on a night exercise in Germany

Sonny

Lets get this staright folks. I go the the sauna cause it improves my lung function by about 20%. Nothing to do with Tony's fantasy

welcome back Tone